Several nights at several watering holes led to Jessica and I developing a lengthy list of major turn offs in men … I think it’s high time I transfer them from our mental post-its onto the internet.

Disclaimer: Some of the traits listed are not complete deal breakers, but merely pet peeves. Others are flat out un-freaking-dateable. Also, these are in no particular order.

1- No job.

2- No car.

3- No self-esteem.

4- Close talker.

5- Bad laugh.

6- Doesn’t pay on the first date.

7- If you spend the date telling me how great you are, and don’t ask any questions about me.

8- You need to compliment me. Frequently.

9- Two words: Selfish Lover.

10- You drive an overly large SUV (example – H2)

11- Body odor.

12- Bad skin. It’s called proactive. Introduce yourself to a dermatologist.

13- You flirt with the waitress/theatre girl/any employee we see on our dates.

14- Indecisive. We’re adults. Figure out what you want and then call me.

15- Use your napkin.

16- Remember everything you mom taught you about being a gentleman: Open doors, Let her order first. Compliment her. Use polite table manners. Don’t lick your knife or your fingers. Don’t blow your nose at the table.

17- It’s 2010. Invest in a pair of nice shoes that your dad wouldn’t wear.

18- Bad hair. Too greasy. Too much product. Not enough product. Needs a trim. Etc.

19- Nose hair. Trim that shit.

20- Ear hair. Refer to above.

21- Speaking of ears and noses, clean them! No boogers or ear wax on the first date!

22- Save the first kiss (and anything else) until the END of the first date – don’t rush it. Most of us girls still want to build up to that.

23- Posture. Don’t slouch when we’re out and about. Look proud to be with me. I’m awesome J

24- Please, for the love of all that is holy, think about what you’re wearing out in public. No t-shirts with stupid sayings. Make sure you washed your clothes. Etc.

25- Don’t smell bad. Shower with soap + shampoo. Use laundry detergent. Apply cologne (but don’t go overboard).

26- BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

27- You make the first move. Call me first. After the first date, call the next day to tell me what a great time you had.

28- Learn how to spell. Use civilized grammar.

29- Don’t swear until I do. Then it’s free game. But, waiting shows me that you’re considerate.

30- I don’t want to see your snuff can in your back pocket. Nothing says redneck like that.

31- Please don’t bust out your arsenal of semi-automatic weapons on the first date. I want to feel safe. I know you’re proud of them, but please.

32- Remember my name.

33- Offer to pick me up on the first date.

34- Watch the facial hair. Look put together, not falling apart. Shaggy beards only work on Brad Pitt.

35- Respect me. Seriously. I will end it if I think you don’t.

36- Don’t order booze on the first date. If you do, don’t have more than one.

37- Don’t tell me about the ex that broke your heart into tiny bits until I ask about your past relationships.

38- ASK ME ABOUT ME. I’m a woman. I like to talk about me.

39- Don’t compare me to an ex or your mom or your sister. Creepy.

40- Poor interpersonal skills will not get you far.

41- Make eye contact.

42- Be witty and funny but not obnoxious.

43- Speak highly of yourself but don’t brag about how great you are the entire night.

44- You are not Kanye, pull up your damn pants.

45- Redneck plaid is not suitable first date attire.

46- Is that a bandana on your head? Seriously?

47- No loud burping or farting on the first date. We’re not in 6^th grade; it’s not impressive.

48- Toss your tighty whiteys and banana hammocks. If it gets that far, boxers or boxer briefs.

49- Don’t tell me what to do. I will do the opposite.

50- Stop stuttering. If I have to concentrate too hard, I’ll lose interest.

51- You're MARRIED. Seriously? Go home to your wife.

Okay, so this is just the start of the list. Feel free to add your own